What to Expect from Your Teenagers

The following article is reprinted with permission from Statewide News from PARENTS Anonymous, Winter 1997.

Erma Bombeck said of preadolescents and teens: "Bury Them at 11 and Dig Them Up at 21." She was just joking, but perhaps you are finding your child's teen years more of a challenge than you imagined. You are not alone.

Traditionally, Illinois Parents Anonymous serves moms and dads with younger children. Parents of teenagers also need support and often deal with difficult situations. The issues parents express have universal themes: " My teen is out of control"... "I'm at my wit's end with this kid"... He doesn't come home at night no matter what I do."

Adolescence is a challenging period for both children and their parents. Three rather distinct stages of adolescence-early, middle, and late-are experienced by most children, but the age at which each stage is reached varies from child to child. These different rates of maturation are connected to physical development and hormone balance, neither of which the child can control. For this reason, adolescents should be treated as individuals, and guidelines for levels of responsibility should be adapted to the particular child

Early Adolescence: 11-13 Years

Children often challenge adult authority at this age, but they, still need help in learning to choose between right and wrong. Setting a good example for children is an excellent way of teaching at this stage and will help them establish fair and human values. Gaining a sense of their own maleness or femaleness is an important part of this stage of development.

·     Both boys and girls need a period of time in which most of their activities are with children of their own sex. Scouts, athletics, and church groups are some ways of meeting that need.

·      Teens need a hero or an adult to look up to at this age. Special people outside the family, as well as relatives, can be helpful.

·      Curiosity about sexual matters begins. Teens begin having new feelings, which are centered around their own bodies, rather than developing sexual relationships with the opposite sex. Accurate information needs to be made available.

·      Special athletic, artistic, academic, or musical talents may emerge and should be encouraged and supported as much as possible. This will help the child to develop

·      a good self-image.

Adolescence: 14-16 Years

Rapid growth and sexual maturation combine confusingly with an ever-increasing need to be independent.

·      Teens have a strong sense of fairness, and they become judgmental if adults or peers do not do what is "fair."

·      They deeply need love and acceptance by parents and peers, but they may hide such needs in an effort to be mature.

·      Annoying habits, such as refusal to wash, poor manners, and untidy dress, are normal ways in which children try to become independent.

·     A physical need for extended periods of rest is normal. Sleeping late on weekends may be due to the fact that young people need more rest during this stage than at any time since infancy.

·     While few teens will admit it to parents, at this stage, they find security in structure. Explain the reason for each rule and the risks and consequences for breaking it. Let the teen take responsibility for his or her own appearance, except when it is very important to you-a family wedding, for instance.

Late Adolescence: 17-19 Years

The mature appearance and behavior that marks this period of development may be misleading. Worry about whether they are ready to face the changes of adulthood may cause frustration and depression for teens.

·    Most young people have opportunities to experiment with drugs and alcohol by this stage, and parents have little power to prevent such opportunities from arising. A major objective should be to get adolescents through this stage alive and intact. Parents should be frank about the dangers of substance use and of mixing drinking and/or drugs with driving. Tell your teens that you will provide transportation no questions asked rather than have them ride with a driver who has been drinking or using drugs.

·   Open communication about sexual matters is an ideal goal.

·      As difficult as it can be, try to find time to spend together with your teen. A shared activity enhances communication and builds the relationship.

Elaine Searcy

Children's Home & Aid Society